Hollow
by SarissaDiablo
Summary: Cloud learns that the darkness doesn't last. However, it is a hard lesson to learn. Yaoi, violence, language. Wolfish Way's Series.


**The first part of this is a song fic. I just heard this song for the first time a few days ago, and it reminded me of how CLoud's mindstate would be after what he did. (If your wondering what I'm talking about, read my Regret story) It's sort of a two part, but the second part wasn't long enough to warrant making it a second chapter. So, heres the next installment in my Wolfish Ways series. Enjoy!**

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**One more step and I could fall away  
If it happened would it matter?  
And I can't tell if I should go or stay  
Same old pictures feel so hollow**

The figure was crouched on the wide ledge, staring sightlessly into the storm darkened skies. He rocked back and forth; heel toe, heel toe, automatically adjusting his balance when a strong gust of wind rocked the building. His bare, pale arms were wrapped tightly around his knees, a kind of desperation clear in the defined muscles, as though he was holding something inside. He didn't even blink when a crack of thunder ripped through the sky, followed by a bolt of lightning, illuminating the utterly blank face. He couldn't understand where these thoughts of suicide were coming from, but they had led him here, to the very edge of the ShinRa Tower, where occasionally he would glance down at the sparkling lights below him. The rain began, and the only sound other then the pounding of the sudden downpour was a soft, annoyed sigh. He had earned his 1st Class ranking, the respect of his peers. He had gained loyal friends that would put their lives on the line to save his, should the situation ever call for it. He had stared into the faces of his enemies, and cut them down without a blink, saving the lives of the men under his command, thus earning him the title of Hero. He loved unconditionally, and it was returned with the same fervor and emotion. He had attained everything he had every worked for. Then why, Cloud thought, warm tears mixing with the cold rain, why do I feel so hollow?

**How can anybody know what's best for me?  
Another page I turn in shame  
And my decisions brought me to my knees  
I needed someone to blame**

He had woken the morning after the torture…changed. No one, not even Sephiroth noticed the first week. The blonde smiled just as much, teased everyone just as much, and was just as passionate in bed. Inside his mind and soul, he was beginning to feel the piece of himself that had been destroyed when he made the choice that he did. Eventually, it had gotten to the point that he couldn't hide it from anyone. He stopped the smiling and teasing, and made love with a desperation that became clear to Sephiroth within moments of that first kiss. He was trying to find a way to fill this ever widening void inside him, and nothing, not sparring, sex, or friendship, made any dent in the blackness. He woke each morning, and staring into the mirror, he glared into his own glowing eyes with a numb hatred. He couldn't understand why these changes were taking place, only that they were.

Morning after morning was the same routine. He would wake, and glare at himself. As the weeks continued to go by, the hatred lessened until it was gone, and he was staring into the utterly beautiful, and utterly lifeless eyes of a doll.

**I feel so hollow  
I feel so hollow  
Time to do what's best for me I believe I can change**

Everyone tried offering him advice on how to deal with what he had done. Everyone but Sephiroth. His lover would only give him patient eyes, obliging him when he asked to be held, to spar, to have sex. Sephiroth's quiet panic grew as Cloud asked for less and less, as he started walking through his life as though in a dream. In answer to a question, he would only make a small noise, or if you were lucky, a simple yes or no. Even in the throes of passion, his face slack and eyes glazed, there was an emptiness behind the blue that settled into Sephiroth as a cold ball of fear. He watched and waited, biding his time as everyone from Genesis to Zack tried talking to him, giving advice and asking the lithe blonde to open up to them. It was bad to keep it locked inside, this wasn't the healthy way to go about this, and so on. It wasn't until August, two months after the incident, that the General tried talking to his lover. He knew about keeping things inside, sometimes he preferred it that way, but he had never let the things get to him the way Cloud obviously was. It was the worst mistake of his life.

"Excuse me?" Cloud said quietly, staring up at him with slightly wide eyes.

"You need to let it go, and get over it," Sephiroth said firmly, after a strenuous bout of sparring between the two. They had the training room to themselves, and while he could have started this conversation in their apartment, he had hoped the sparring would relax Cloud enough that he might talk. He knew it was the wrong idea, when, if possible, the blondes eyes grew decidedly harder.

"I apologize if I am not like you General, and can't simply 'let it go'," he said, each word clipped and dipped in ice. Ignoring the tone, Sephiroth sighed and shook his head.

"We all have things we regret Cloud," he said quietly. Cloud lowered his eyes, and finally some sort of emotion shone through. He saw the regret most clearly, laced with pain. When the luminous eyes rose again, he wasn't expecting the self-hatred he saw there.

"I should have stopped before I did. I didn't have to kill him, either. I let my emotions rule me, and that is something that will never happen again." Narrowing his eyes, Sephiroth made an attempt to step forward, but stopped his movement when Cloud stepped back, shaking his head.

"He was the enemy." The blue snapped fire at the comment, and he snarled.

"He was human," Cloud hissed. "He didn't deserve what I did to him after I received the information. I tortured him afterwards, just to see him in pain. The things I did to him…" Cloud shook his head slightly, the anger draining away as the blank expression filled back in. He turned without comment, walking over and putting the practice sword back in its place.

"He would have gone through with the plan, and killed me," Sephiroth said as gently as he could, though he knew there was an undertone of exasperation under it. Even though he understood Cloud's words, he couldn't sympathize with them. He probably would have done much worse to the man. He watched with trepidation as Cloud stiffened, slowly raising his head to meet his eyes.

"I wouldn't change the fact that I killed him," he said slowly. "I wouldn't change what I did to him. If you…" He trailed off, staring into Sephiroth's eyes with dull, hollow eyes.

"If I what, Cloud?" he asked, his voice cold and quiet.

"If I had never gotten involved with you, I wouldn't have felt the need to do what I did. I wouldn't have felt the vindictive, sadistic pleasure of the torture." With those words hanging between them, Cloud turned and walked out of the room, leaving Sephiroth to stare after him in shocked silence. It took a moment, but the tears started, and with them, the soul wrenching sobs of someone who had their heart ripped out, and trampled on by someone they truly loved.

**Once upon a time in broken dreams  
Reflection's that I can't face  
So hold your breath and make a wish for me  
Take me to a better place**

Opening his eyes, Cloud stared down at his own hand. Did I really say that? He asked himself, slowly clenching his hand into a fist. He began to shake lightly, as he replaced his arm around his legs, lowering his head so he could press his forehead into his knees. Why? Why did I say something like that? Why was it so hard getting that mans screaming face out of his head? Why did he still wake in a cold sweat in the night, remembering the sounds of bones breaking and organs being punctured? He raised his head again slowly, looking into the flashing sky as though searching for an answer to his questions.

Why can't I feel? Why can't I just accept what I did, and move on? He lowered his head again, tightening his arms even more around his legs. He couldn't feel them; or anything from the waist down at the moment. He had been sitting in the same position for hours, possibly days. He couldn't remember anymore. He understood that their enemies did what he had to his fellow warriors. He even understood that they probably did much worse that what he had. Does that mean that they had to stoop to their level? When did being the enemy mean that they weren't worthy of compassion? The man had earned a warriors death; clean and swift. He didn't deserve to be tortured to death, because Cloud had let his emotions reign. He had been so panicked, scared, and angry that they would dare to try and assassinate his lover, the he wanted to cause as much pain as possible. The center of the problem though, was not that he had killed the man. It was not that he had tortured him for hours, until he died. The real problem, was that he wouldn't change what he had done.

**Time always seems to be passing by  
It never waits for me  
If I could do it all one more time  
I wouldn't change a thing**

He didn't flinch, or show any sign of noticing the dark blue suit jacket that was placed over his shoulders. He did register the heat that the jacket brought, and the lithe form of Tseng as he sat next to him. They both stared into the sky for long moments, Tseng quickly getting just as soaked as Cloud. He did start slightly when the mans smooth, low voice cut through the thunderstorm.

"It's hard, isn't it?" he asked, causing Cloud to glance at him in confusion, before turning back to the storm without reply. "The void inside has a tendency to eat everything else. It's hard trying to keep yourself sane with the things we are required to do."

"It wasn't required of me," Cloud finally said, needing to say nothing else. Tseng had kept an eye on Cloud, because he knew just how hard the first torture was on the young. The fact that Cloud had done it for love, and not on an order, had impressed him. It was why he was up here, in the pouring rain.

"No, it wasn't. Do you realize, that your not the only one who has gone through this? In the course of a SOLDIER's, or Turks career, every single person goes through what you are now," he said quietly, watching how his words affected Cloud, out of the corner of his eye. Cloud's eyes widened briefly, as though it was a concept he had never thought of. He never had. He never spared a thought for the idea that he wasn't the only one who had gone through this. He flushed slightly, and looked down to his knees, irritated at himself. He had been selfish.

"How did you get through it?" he asked finally, causing Tseng to frown in thought. After a few minutes of nothing but the sound of the storm, he chuckled softly, causing Cloud to turn his head completely to look at him.

"I don't think I ever did. My mentor at that time was also my lover, much like you. I had been a full Turk for only a few months before he was assassinated while we were on a mission. I didn't rest until I had found the man who did it, and the things I did to him make what you did look like a scratch. It took me a few days, but the same thing happened to me. I went numb. He wasn't there to tell me that it would be alright, or that this was something that I would get over. After I was done with the man, and he was dead at my feet, I could only ask myself one question. What would my lover think of me, if he knew what I had done? I still ask myself that question. He believed that all life was precious, whether it was your enemy or not. He wouldn't kill unless ordered, or he had no other choice," his voice had dropped, until he was speaking quietly, with a fondness that clearly said he had loved and respected the man. He looked at Cloud, and locked eyes with him.

"This is something that you get over. Think of it like your first heartbreak. When it happens, you feel as though you will never love anyone else, that you will never get rid of this aching in your chest. But it does go away, Cloud. While it doesn't feel like it now, it does."

Cloud turned away from the compassionate eyes, shivering slightly. It was the understanding in his dark eyes, something he had never expected to see from the hard, cold Turk, that was really his undoing. He knew, from the strained way Tseng had explained, that the man knew what was going on in his head. Maybe not the exact details, but he understood. Warm tears mixed with the cold rain once again, and he lowered his forehead to his knees. He barely felt the arm that was draped across his shoulder as he slowly unfolded his body, leaning into the warmth that was supporting him.

"Shhh…" Tseng whispered, reaching his other hand up so he could gently run his fingers through the tangled, wet mess of Cloud's hair. They stayed in that position for long moments, as Cloud's tears slowed. He couldn't deny that he needed that, when the edges of the void inside him began to crumble and shrink. He realized that he didn't want to take the advice that his friends were giving him, because he believed, still believed, that they didn't understand. Not many SOLDIER's had done what he had. He knew for a fact that neither Angeal or Zack had ever tortured someone. Genesis had, but the red head had a sadistic streak almost as big as Sephiroth's. He groaned softly as he finally stretched out his legs, chuckling softly as needles began to stab through them. He straightened, still laughing softly as he rubbed his thighs.

"I really fucked up with Sephiroth, didn't I?" he said quietly, causing Tseng to sigh softly, retracting his arm.

"Cloud, the real reason I came up here, concerns your lover," he said, making Cloud blink wide eyes at him, before they narrowed.

"He didn't do anything stupid, did he?" the blonde demanded, and though there was still the blankness in his eyes, they were warmer then Tseng had seen them in months.

"Well, yes and no. He took a mission that was supposed to include another three 1st's, and a squad of 3rd's, and troopers. He went on the mission on his own." Cloud opened his mouth before shutting it abruptly. Tseng managed to resist the urge to flinch, when the mako exploded in his eyes, sending a soft glow over his face.

"He did what?" Cloud asked in a quiet, deadly voice. He was trying to keep his anger in check, but it wasn't working all to well. He knew what Tseng was implying. Sephiroth, for all intents and purposes, had gone on a suicide mission. Because of Cloud. His General was supposed to be stronger then to let something like what Cloud was going through get to him like that! Then Cloud remembered the words he had spoken to Sephiroth, the last words. Oh fuck…he thought, growling softly. Tseng only watched him, knowing he didn't need to repeat himself. He watched the dawning horror in the sapphire eyes, and blinked when Cloud grabbed his arm, snarling.

"Where?" he demanded.

"In the northern part of Wutai," he replied, narrowing his eyes slightly.

"How many troops is he going up against?"

"3 to 4."

"So 300 to 400 troops. On his own. Shit! Even being the General he can't hope to take that many on by himself." Cloud stood, and walked over to the door that would lead him back into the Tower. He stopped with his hand on the doorknob, and looked back over his shoulder, determination leaking through his eyes much like the blue glow.

"How low do you think you can fly, without endangering yourself?" he asked, and Tseng grinned, standing and walking over to Cloud.

"I can get you low enough you won't need a parachute," he said, and Cloud's grin suddenly matched his own.

**(Part Two)**

Sephiroth grunted softly as another bullet slammed into his upper chest. He shoved the pain away, as he had on so many other occasions, and concentrated on the sweeping arc of his sword, as it cleaved through armor and bone. Even moving with his enhanced speed, killing two to three men with each swipe, he knew he was outnumbered. He knew that when he had accepted the mission. He knew that he probably wasn't going to leave this island alive, and he could care less.

He had given Cloud everything. His heart, his mind, his soul. With two sentences, everything had been ripped from him. He had tried, for so long, to not let himself be dragged into a relationship. This was exactly the reason why. He had bared his soul, told Cloud things about his past that not even Angeal or Genesis knew. He had finally taken a chance, and look at what it got him. It got the man he loved above himself to hate him.

He blinked, his mental tirade stuttering to a halt as the loud roar of a battle helicopter echoed across the battlefield. He looked up in time to see the vehicle fly past at incredible speeds, a small black blur jumping out from the side door. He stood frozen as the twilight sky glinted off a sheen of metal, the others on the battlefield just as frozen as he was. The figure came hurtling towards the ground, and as it neared, his eyes widened in shock at the gleam of blonde hair, and the blue glow that surrounded the blade. He held up his arm, protecting his eyes when the figure slammed his blade into the ground with a roar, sending a shockwave out from the point of impact, knocking down every person within 300 hundred feet, but Sephiroth. He lowered a trembling arm, and swallowed down tears when he saw Cloud standing in the middle of the crater. He was entirely unprepared when Cloud walked up to him, marveling at the anger and desperation that shone in his sky blue eyes, smacking him hard across the face.

"You are the fucking General!" Cloud hissed, the hand gripping the hilt of his sword white knuckled. "I tortured that man to keep you from getting killed, and you go on a suicide mission! How fucking dumb are you?" His own anger flared, and he snarled, grabbing the front of Cloud's shirt and lowering his head so they were almost nose-to-nose.

"I may be the General, but you are one of my 1st's! How weak minded are you that you let what you did, destroy your mind like that?" he purred dangerously, and the adrenaline of battle was finally flowing through his veins. He had always liked verbally sparring with Cloud. The blonde snarled, and twisted, cutting off the head of a man who thought he could pull off a sneak attack. Sephiroth also turned as they went back to back, still snarling, and arguing with each other as they easily cut down the warriors who charged them.

"It didn't destroy my mind!" Cloud yelled, grunting softly as he blocked a spear, slashing the man across his chest and stomach. "It just shut it down for awhile!" Sephiroth snorted softly, blocking a barrage of bullets from hitting both him and Cloud, before killing the man with a swift thrust.

"Shut down? You could say that. You were a damn zombie for two months. All you needed to start doing was drooling and eating people," he said, laughter clear in his voice. Now Cloud snorted, as they both grew silent, falling into the age old pattern of battle. Block, attack, kill. It was something they both knew deep into their bones, because even with being a cadet, Cloud had often gone on missions with Sephiroth, or one of the others. His instincts were only second to that of the General, as he demonstrated with a move worthy of the man himself, keeping them both from being shot with a machine gun.

"So who did you end up talking to?" Sephiroth asked quietly, knowing that Cloud could hear him over the yells and screams. He heard him take a deep breath, before letting it out in a shaky sigh.

"Tseng," came the equally quiet reply, and Sephiroth only nodded, before they both let themselves be swept away in the battle. It didn't surprise him in the least that the Turk Commander was able to make Cloud understand the darkness within, because he was the same way.

**lxlxlxlxl**

Sephiroth was unprepared as Cloud jumped on him, wrapping his legs around his waist and his arms around his neck. He closed his eyes, still able to smell the clean, fresh smell of Cloud even under the dirt and blood. He was able to let go of his darker thoughts as he felt his lover tremble against him, clinging to him with desperation. He purred reassuringly as he sank to his knees, dropping Masamune as he wrapped his arms around him, holding him close.

"I'm so sorry," Cloud said haltingly, burying his face into the silken hair of his lover, and breathing deep. Sephiroth's smell always reminded him of something spicy yet sweet. It was so unique, that his tears began to run faster with the mere thought of how close he had come to not having this anymore. He pulled back and grabbed Sephiroth's face in his hands, neither of them caring that they were covered in blood and dirt. "Stupid…" He muttered between gentle kisses, Sephiroth melting willingly into the embrace. Everything was forgotten as Cloud pressed kisses along his neck, his back arching slightly as he slid his hands underneath the sticky shirt above him, shivering with the gentle kisses. He was only mildly surprised when Cloud undid his pants and then his own, capturing his mouth as he slid his pants down only enough to begin to ease Sephiroth into him. Gasping, Sephiroth pulled his mouth away, eyes glazed as Cloud slid all the way down, with only a small grimace of pain. He watched as Cloud began to move gently up and down, his head thrown back and eyes closed as he moaned softly. He was a vision, covered in blood and gore, and somehow the knowledge that they were doing this in the middle of a field, surrounded by hundreds of men that the two of them killed, only made it more of an affirmation of life.

He was lost as he began to move, weeping with the relief of knowing that he was alive, that his lover was alive, that they had triumphed over the hundreds dead, and their own dark feelings. The feel of him inside was more then the warmth that was beginning inside him. It was them both asking for forgiveness and giving in, with abandon. He screamed his release into the sky when Sephiroth began stroking him with his hand, and he had never heard a sweeter sound, then the muffled growl as warmth filled him, the man beneath him finding his own release. Cloud collapsed, sobbing quietly into the strong chest below him, as equally strong hands stroked his back comfortingly, kissing the top of his head with murmured words of love. His tears were not ones of sorrow, and neither were the ones of Sephiroth. They were tears of compassion and love, tempered with the knowledge that if they could get past how badly they had hurt each other, there was nothing left that could tear them apart. They found the true meaning of love, through blood, battle, and darkness. Blood can be washed away, and battles learned from. Darkness never lasts forever, because the sun always rises.


End file.
